Today I picked up my first fall leaf. I hate that about August; just as I’m getting into the groove, loving the warmth of midsummer sun, I wake up to a chorus of crickets and cicadas in the morning. The shadows start to get longer and I sense the end of…something. And I hate endings.
I’ve always found the end of summer poignant, and this year it’s feeling more so than ever before. I’m not sure why; maybe it’s that it’s two years since my very first blog post; maybe it’s that this is traditionally the time when summer ends, school starts and in the “wake” (yes, ironic word, that) I feel a sense of time passing too quickly. Maybe it’s that my oldest granddaughter is joining that stream of schoolchildren (yes, school. yes, granddaughter. when did that happen? wasn’t that her mother starting?) Maybe it’s just that I feel time’s passage and- more than New Year’s- I measure the changes in my life and feel the endings in those shadow’s length. Renewal and rebirth.
In these past two years my family was blessed with a second granddaughter- one whose spirit is amazing, powerful; full of laughter and energy. Emma has brought our family great joy and renewal of her own particular brand.
In these past two years I rebuilt a floundering career and found many new friends; saved my house and painted new colors on the walls; got stronger, clearer, and a lot more self accepting. I dealt first hand with the ramifications of my own shortcomings and saw my way through some challenging moments. I had to let go of some things to allow for the new, but the strength in that has borne a new confidence that is unfolding every day.
Sum gain, no question. But always….poignant. For every gain there was a loss. After all, there’s only so much that can go on the scales of life and keep it balanced. Right?
This was an amazing year for me- one of precious self- examination and growth. It started last summer with preparation for a new hip and ends with yoga teacher training. Not so bad, really. It’s been a year of enormous personal growth and the beginning of two new adventures that have already altered my life significantly; both are manifestations of parts of my center that I was clearly seeking and I sense that the direction in which they are taking me is exactly right for me. But to allow these new directions to manifest, I had to change some central things in my life. Redesign and renovation at the core. True “interior” design…
And not unlike renovation, the biggest thing that has to happen to allow for new directions in our lives is to let go of the things that are no longer useful to us- ideas, beliefs, prejudices, the mistakes we’ve made, the roads that brought us to dead ends. Those dead ends are powerful teachers, the losses and mistakes only signals for new directions; the renewal and rebirth that comes with shedding our skins every seven years. Not unlike renovation, one has to see past the “stuff” we’ve accumulated to see what can be done; putting all the old junk to the curb of consciousness and clearing out the attic of the brain.
Today we’re all hunkering down for a hurricane- putting things in order, stocking up in anticipation of this storm, the unknown. We don’t know what it will bring, what damage can be wrought in nature’s intensity. We’ve had a lot of that this year- cataclysmic reminders of what can come and go in a moment. All the more reason to love what we have, where we are, who is with us, right now. Today.
As I end this year on my own “circadian” calendar, I think of what’s ahead and anticipate great things. If I’ve learned anything these last two years it’s that in the anticipation of good we manifest it. Seems like for years I was waiting for “happily ever after” and finally realized it was mine to write…
So I did.
